Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Through The BlogHole

David Frost: Hello, good evening, and welcome to a new series of Through The BlogHole, in which we take a look at some random bloggers and their homes. First, let's meet tonight's panel. Would you please welcome a man perhaps more famous for his beard than his cooking. Nicknamed The Cunt, its Anthony Worrall-Thompson!

Applause. Sort of.

Worrall-Thompson: Good evening Sir. David, it's great to be here.

Frost: Is it?

Worrall-Thompson: Not really.

Frost: No, its not. Anyway, our second panellist is no stranger to this show, nor to whores and a big pile of coke. One could say he's a hard-drinking wildman. It's James Nesbitt!

Nesbitt: Hello!

Frost: And finally, one of our favourite actors. Perhaps best known for playing a cantankerous pensioner growing old disgracefully, I prefer to think of him as a self-deluded luvvie who believes the public like him rather than Victor Meldrew, his comedy character. I don't believe it! It's Richard Wilson!

Wilson: I don't believe it! (Applause)

Frost: So, here's Loyd Grossman with our first blogger's house. And remember the clues are there, as we go... through the bloghole.

Grossman: Hello, on the surface this ordinary house in Melksham, Wilkshire could be the dwelling of just about anyone. A judge, a paedophile, Jimmy Tarbuck? Anyone at all. But something more sinister lurks behind these three walls, a blog. Not just any blog, lets take a further look.
In the hall a guest is greeted by as mountain of empty Stella cans. It seems we are clearly in the home of a hard-drinking wildman. As if that wasn't enough, there is clear evidence that some extremely random drinks have been consumed right here in the lobby. If I had to hazard a guess I would say that some very studenty activities had taken place here. Now Melksham is world-renowned for being very boring indeed, and these hard-drinking students have clearly had to take matters in their own hands to put it on the blogging map. It is obvious that this character is very random. Meh.
Now, unfortunately this Melksham retreat is a long way from one of my favourite museums, London Transport Museum. This person has to find entertainment in other formats. It is not surprising that this person has an extensive CD collection. Oh my word it is full of shit. Rammstein! Fuck yeah! In rehearsals earlier I had to give the cameraman the high-fives after seeing this person's enormous Ministry of Sound Collection. He rules.
My experience as Chairman of the Blue Plaques Association also made me eagle-eyed enough to spot over on the random dresser this gaudy gold chain. This person clearly has style and grace. The closet also contains a Quiksilver T-Shirt, Donnay clothes and a copy of Naomi Klein's tedious 'No Logo'. This person is clearly easily led by a majority.
It is here in the study, at this very computer, that this person comes alive. This is where the celebrated blog takes shape, and more besides. I draw your attention to this wallchart, which reads like the Koran of Minesweeper scores. I feel half a man looking at them. This person clearly has a talent.
Finally I'm here in the games room. Now you might have been expected a snooker table or a dartboard but we are dealing with a person who has clearly travelled the world, as this rather exotic table demonstrates. It's called Beer Pong, and apparently was discovered whilst trekking through Florida. Fuck yeah! Perhaps this clue will give it away, a hard-drinking wildman with a unquenchable passion for sport. Indeed, these beautiful long-exposure photographs from Martin Keown's testimonial demonstrate that this person is obviously a lifelong Arsenal fan.
Let's look at the evidence. The random drinks, the gold chain, the eclectic music collection, the Minesweeper scores, the championship sized beer pong table, blurry photos of Martin Keown. Who blogs on a site like this? David, its over to you.

Frost: And now, for our home and studio audience, but not for our panel, here's who's blog it is!

Silhouette of Honestly I'm Sober's Robert Hamilton.

Frost: Anthony, you start.

Worrall-Thompson: Well its a bloke isn't it? (Applause) I like him, he's clearly a hard-drinking wildman. Did you see how random those drinks were? Wow! Fuck yeah! Is he a big Arsenal fan? (Applause)

Nesbitt: Does he do a really famous blog? (Applause) Maybe the sort of thing that would be featured in a Sunday newspaper? (Applause)

Wilson: I don't believe it! (Applause)

Worrall-Thompson: So lets recap. A hard-drinking wildman, beer pong fan, famous blogger.

Nesbitt: Well I also noticed the DVD collection which Loyd forgot to pick up on.

Frost: He was running late for London Transport Museum, one of his favourite museums I believe.

Nesbitt: I noticed he had There's Something About Mary and Jackass- The Movie, two of my favourite films so they are.

Wilson: I don't believe it! (Applause)

Nesbitt: So we're obviously not dealing with an eejit, its gonna be someone who'd be a fearsome opponent in a pub quiz? (Applause)

Frost: I think you're getting warmer.

Worrall-Thompson: Is it Robert Hamilton?

Frost: Yes it is. Robert Hamilton, would you come through the bloghole?!

Robert Hamilton enters.

Frost: Rob, I think the random drinks really gave it away back there!

Hamilton: Well David, Honestly I'm Sober! (Applause)

Frost: Quite. Well there really is no way of following that. You're clearly such a big name we're in danger of upsetting the balance of the whole show. So, all that remains is for me to give you this random gift, a souvenir of the show.

Hamilton: Meh.

Frost: Join us after the break when Loyd will have returned from London Transport Museum to snoop round another random blog.